HOLES ™
Septic systems are maybe the bane of my existence. Where I live…and work…we do not have a sewer, so every property is on a septic system. This dictates much around how we build and live in our homes. And how we sell them in the world of real estate. How big is the tank? How many bedrooms is it approved for? Soil tests are required to determine the number of bedrooms and where you can install the system on your property. You must pay hundreds of dollars to an official soil scientist to acquire said test. And the ground cannot be disturbed first. And you have to have room for drainfields. And room for a duplication area in case the first one fails. And sometimes you can’t build your house where you want to build it. Because of…you guessed it….Septic. There have been several properties that I really wanted to purchase that Jeromy told me wouldn’t be a good idea. Because of septic. We have had numerous real estate deals fall through. Because of septic. It makes me want to scream. I threatened to create a shirt to wear to work that says “Say Septic to me One More Time.” My eyes glaze over and I zone out these days when it comes up. Thank God I have Jeromy and the resident local septic expert to take care of whatever needs to be addressed in that realm.
Today I was pondering some different marketing ideas for various projects I am working on. We were in the car and happened to drive by a huge, beautiful field. It has been for sale forever, but no one will buy it. Because of septic. It doesn’t drain right. You can’t get a permit. Blah. Blah. Blah. It got me thinking about how different our little world here could be if we could do away with the need for septic systems. I start telling Jeromy how wonderful it would be if septic systems just disappeared. He is like…yeah..but you have to have somewhere to put the poop. Despite that I start brainstorming. And had the genius idea to start a grassroots marketing campaign AGAINST septic tanks. Start rumors about how they are bad for the ground or the environment and leech invisible poop particles into the foundation of your house that then seeps into your walls and drives you slowly insane. That they are bad for the endangered salamanders. That they have been proven to cause severe depression for the local ground hogs who have taken on the smell of the tanks and are now increasingly having trouble just getting out of bed in the morning. Many native birds are reporting that their worms taste like human waste. Septic tanks are definitely probably contributing to global warming. I will make them sound super sketch. Get people talking. Questioning. Plant some seeds of doubt and just watch them grow. And when the conversation gets louder…launch a full on attack. We would need a fall guy. A face to represent the enemy. In marketing it helps to have a clear enemy. Back to our resident local septic expert. I didn’t ask his permission for my story. So we will just call him Timmy. We would start talking about how Timmy has been pushing septic tanks on everyone. Question whether he knew how dangerous they are. Was he getting kickbacks from the soil scientist? How deep did this go? We would put his face on posters around town. Slogans like…Don’t Take Any More Shit From Timmy. And The Shit Stops Here. This could work. But as Jeromy pointed out…the poop still has to go somewhere. I concocted the perfect solution. At just the right moment….when the whole town is in an uproar over the injustices and danger of septic systems…and looking for a solution…we quietly launch our new company. HOLES ™ . Are you tired of being ruled by septic systems? Are you sick of the government and Timmy telling you what you can do with your own property? Don’t fret. Just get a HOLE ™ . The HOLE ™ will basically just be a compostable toilet. But through the miracles of marketing….it will become all of the rage and we will be the patent holders of this innovative solution to human waste. And here is the most genius part. Between the time we abolish septic tanks and get everyone to buy a glorified compostable toilet from us, we will buy up all of the land that is currently unusable because of current septic issues for pennies on the dollar. When it no longer needs septic and everyone is just using HOLES ™. Land value automatically quadruples. We are rich. From selling land and HOLES ™ .
We will no longer be limited by the fake lamestream septic tank propaganda telling us what we can build on our own lots. Or how big our house can be. If you want a small cabin. Just buy a small HOLE ™ . Do you want to build a 14 bedroom mansion? We’ve got you covered. With our deluxe bottomless HOLE ™, we will dig all the way to China if we need to. So you can keep your freedom and autonomy and not be encumbered by a toxic septic tank that is systematically destroying your life and the lives of your salamander, groundhog and bird friends.
Jeromy is still doubtful. He said there is no way people are going to give up the convenience of flushable toilets to poop in HOLES ™ . That it doesn’t make sense. No one would go for it. That HE would never go for it. I explain to him that WE don’t have to go for it. That typically the people who are brainwashing the public to buy crappy/dangerous/expensive/pointless products…have the sense to not actually use the product themselves. Do you think the Sackler family was walking around popping oxy? Probably not. Do you think I am going to poop in a HOLE ™? I’m not.
The power of marketing is undeniable. The desire of humans to have the newest, best thing. Even when it isn’t better. The need to fit in and do what everyone is doing. How easy it is to manipulate many people into doing things that are actively against their best interest. In the name of being progressive and smart and cutting edge and being perceived a certain way. There are literally a million examples.
The first thing that pops into my head is real estate related in a sense. Back in the day the floors of most homes were made from wood. Beautiful. Practical. Meant to last forever. With industrialization came new materials like linoleum and carpet and the chemicals they were laced with. Asbestos. Off gassing. But none of that mattered when you heard the pitch! Wood had cracks and held dirt and was therefore dirty and could even cause disease. Linoleum was clean and practical. Carpet was warm and cozy and fancy. Salesmen across the country convinced people to cover up their hardwood floors with fake, chemical laden materials. How many times have we seen a home makeover show on tv where the people are thrilled to discover gorgeous, old hardwood floors waiting patiently to be discovered again under some ugly ass green shag carpet?
Truth and beauty are always waiting patiently for us to come back to them.
Do you know what our grandparents used to use to clean things? Soap and water. Some vinegar. Some bleach to kill germs if needed. Maybe throw in some baking soda. Then came a million and one cleaning products filled with random chemicals and dyes to make them an unnatural blue color. Because nothing touts clean and disinfected like a blue spray that looks like the color of an alien blob from another planet. And you definitely need a different bottle of poison spray custom formulated for each room of your house. This one for your shower. This one for your toilet. This one for your floors. This one to be used when mercury is in retrograde. We turned cleaning our houses into a chemical battlefield filled with the fumes of fake lemons and pine trees.
Rinse and repeat. This same spell and messaging is used over and over again for a plethora of products in a myriad of industries.
One of the most insidious examples is baby formula. How did marketing companies convince a generation of women that an expensive concoction made in a factory was better for their babies than the perfect, FREE, liquid that their actual bodies made. The liquid that automatically adjusts itself and its components based on a baby’s needs and provides the mother herself with additional health benefits. Breastmilk is like a fucking magic potion. Formula started as a literal life saver. A solution for mothers and babies who could not support breastfeeding. But the formula companies saw dollar signs and began to reframe themselves from a backup plan to a modern upgrade. They positioned formula as safer than the unpredictability of the human body. They marketed it as the choice for the sophisticated, modern woman, while painting breastfeeding as old fashioned and inconvenient. The formula companies also partnered with doctors and hospitals to give out samples and recommend formula to new mothers. We see that trick a lot. Endorsements from medical professionals or others that we have been conditioned to give our unconditional trust to. Breastfeeding rates dropped rapidly and formula became the default in many places. And now instead of rolling over and popping a boob in your baby’s mouth, you had to get out of bed and make a bottle by measuring and heating. And then clean and disinfect. And shop to make sure it is on hand at all times. Because babies eat a lot. What a con job!
Same story. Nature can’t be trusted. Science can.
It really is insidious. When you start shining the light on it, our entire world has been shaped by marketing. Manipulation. Replacing what is natural and oftentimes free with something that is bad for us and harms the earth and costs us. Costs us money and time and health and independence and freedom.
Two industries that are the most blood and money soaked are the pharmaceutical industry and the food industry. I could write volumes on food alone. Milk was just milk until it became attached to a calculated alliance between the government and the dairy industry to brand it as an essential part of human nutrition. To prop up dairy farmers. Sell more milk. Milk became the preferred beverage in every public school. Celebrities were recruited for ad campaigns wearing milk mustaches. Got Milk? Similar story with the government and the corn industry. The government pushed subsidies and we ended up with too much corn. They needed to figure out other ways to use it. High fructose corn syrup is born as a cheaper replacement for sugar. And it gets put into everything. Bread, yogurt, sauces, snacks. It infiltrated our entire food system. And the marketing around it branded it as healthy because it was low fat. Replace the fat with fake sugar and call it healthy. I mean…I spent my teen years eating Snackwells cookies on my constant quest to get super skinny. Margarine came in to replace butter. Eggs were painted as villains. Cue testimonials from doctors talking about cholesterol and claiming that fake butter is better for you than real food.
And, you guys, what about Monsanto? Genetically modified seeds, ridiculous patents and declaring war on farmers and our food. What the fuck is happening?
Food is a touchy subject for me. It overwhelms me. We have to eat. Multiple times. Everyday. Which involves planning and shopping and cooking and cleaning up from said cooking. And then you get into not knowing exactly what you are buying from grocery stores. Where it came from. What the ingredients are. And not being able to trust labels because they are intentionally worded to be misleading. Add on top of that the constant bombardment of messaging around health. What supplements you need. The latest health craze buzzword. Collagen. Electrolytes. This. That. And protein. The fucking protein. How in God’s name do you people eat so much protein? And, no, I am not adding cottage cheese to my eggs. I currently have THREE unopened, expired tubs of organic cottage cheese in my fridge. Because I buy it. And then don’t eat it. I’m just not doing it guys. For someone who has some ... .ok.....many OCD tendencies and leans into perfectionism and wanting to have all of the information and make the just right decision…it is exhausting. And when you add the layer of wanting to be very intentional with what you put into your body. And only eat food free from pesticides and inhumane practices (against humans and animals) that is organic and real. And take into account that I am very picky. And I will only eat things that I really like and want to eat. So If it comes down to eating something that I don’t like and/or isn’t in integrity with what I want to eat…then I would rather just not eat. Jeromy and I were walking around the grocery store yesterday after our drive and discussion around septic tanks to grab something for dinner and a few essentials. And I started getting anxious. I don’t know what I want. Certainly not cottage cheese. I could buy some organic chicken breasts. For protein. But honestly, I don't really care for meat. And if I’m not excited about it. I am not going to cook them. I told him that I wish they sold pellets. Just like a little pellet you would give a gerbil that contains their needed nutrients for the day. He suggested that the human equivalent would be a protein shake. Maybe I will just go on a liquid diet of protein shakes and call it a day. And only eat actual food when it is real and whole and beautiful and delicious and calling to me.
You know “they” say that in the future humans will not need food. That we will receive our sustenance from the sun. Just like plants. Does that mean that our plants now are actually more evolved as a species than we are? Possibly. They do seem much happier. They soak up sun from the sky and nutrients from the soil and grow just as they were intended to. They don’t wander around Kroger bemoaning what to eat for dinner. And breakfast. And lunch. And then dinner again the next day.
If we don’t need food in the future. That means we would not poop. Right? I’m not a doctor, but I think that sounds right. And would therefore not need septic tanks or HOLES ™. I bet in the future we don’t have to clean or shop either. Unless we want to. And then we would just shop for lovely and beautiful things to feather our nest. Our nest where we lounge around basking in the sun. Fully nourished. And content. Like soul level content.
And as we settle into pure utopia….
Someone…Somewhere…
Has just figured out how to block the sun and sell it back to us.
