Happy Anniversary to Me
Today was a weird day. My 25th wedding anniversary. We didn’t make plans. Just decided to see where the day took us. Brunch and some shopping. And then the exact wrong choice to try on some jeans. I’ve had the same 4 pair of jeans for like 5 years. They were perfect. They have also all gone completely kaput in the last month. Paper thin fabric. Holes in the crotch, no coming back kaput. They no longer make any of the styles. So I’ve been trying to find new ones for the past several weeks with zero luck. It’s so weird. Like no pair fits me. Not even if I go up multiple sizes. They won’t go over my thighs. Or they won’t zip. Or they are too short. I’m pretty much the same size. So I can’t understand why literally no pair of jeans fits me. It’s honestly odd. We stopped by the outlet mall. So I thought…I’ll try on some jeans while we are here. Big mistake. Huge. After the 3rd store and the 20th pair that wouldn’t work. I came out of the fitting room with tears brimming my eyes and proceeded to have an emotional meltdown/temper tantrum. I started saying not nice things about myself. Blaming my body. Spiraling. And I couldn’t stop. It was like watching a car wreck happen slowly. I know how to regulate my emotions and stay centered. I’ve worked so hard on self talk and using tools to ground myself. Redirect when I’m off track. But this train just went completely off of the rails. Scott tried to help. Saying nice things. Reminding me to be kind to myself. But it fell on deaf ears. I was in full sad, miserable cow mode. And I let it ruin our afternoon. We rode to Gatlinburg in silence. Me still sad and now also embarrassed for acting a fool. I’m trying to pull it together. It is bumper to bumper traffic and we are just sitting on the parkway. I’m staring out of the window people watching. Scott points out a cute family with an adorable toddler in glasses in a stroller. Instead of making me happy. I get more sad. Thinking of my adorable toddlers and days gone by. They had another cute little boy who was pointing to a huge candy shop right off of the sidewalk. Like huge, huge. Floor to ceiling contraptions full of colorful everything your little heart could desire. It was like magic inside. Of course this precious boy wanted to go in. It looked like he was pleading his case and parents were talking to him. Normal scene. Then all of the sudden the dad yanks the boy up by his arm. Violently. He is holding him off the ground by one arm and yelling into his face. The look on this child’s face broke my heart right in half. He looked scared. Full of fear. Sad. Confused. I wanted to save him. God. I am a fully grown ass 46 year old woman who is currently having trouble regulating my emotions. Being met with grace by my husband. And 3 feet outside my window a 4 year old baby is being abused for being excited and wanting candy. The way we as a society expect children to manage their emotions, when most adults can’t is something to note. I’m pretty sure a majority of adults are operating with the emotional intelligence of a 12 year old. Unprocessed traumas. Unhealed pain. And it gets taken out on others. Back to me…who is currently and personally operating with the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. We were going to grab dinner on the way home, but scrapped it. As I couldn’t stop crying. I’m now also thinking about a few friends going through hard seasons. And times I was too harsh or impatient with my own babies And also a book I just read that made me sad. My brain is full on sad soup at the moment. Then it dawns on me that I have completely ruined our 25th anniversary and this is the memory we’ve made. This depressing, disappointing and miserable memory. For all of time. Scott is actually pretty done with me by this point. And I don’t blame him. 😂 He demands that the next 10 things I say to him be happy and positive. Y’all…I made it to ONE thing. The second thing out of my mouth was a complaint. Jesus take the wheel. About halfway home, he took my hand and said….lets go home and refresh and reset and then go to dinner. And we did. And we laughed. I can laugh at myself. I can give myself grace. And that is everything. Also, it is a full moon. And I just started my period 5 minutes ago. Which strangely makes me feel better. And a little less crazy. No one told me that middle age hormones hit as hard as teenage ones. This time marching on stuff is doing a number on me. I guess all we can do is our best. I’m convinced that is what most everyone is doing these days. Their best. And I have so much love for everyone out there holding it all together the best they can. I want to buy us all a cute “Hang in There” cat poster for our bathroom mirrors. Don't forget to floss and brush and smile. We’ve got this.
